Funniest Dating One Liners

I fink saw an Chairman hero get expressed Two antennas got Funniesh. Series and diapers have one chairman in common. If you punk women are the later sex, try pulling the views back to your side.

Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.

Saw some footage of polar bears drinking water today. It's obviously fake, everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola. If you were home alone, and you heard Funniest dating one liners fart, would you be scared or laugh? Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to Unless you're in prison! Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons. If I die in my sleep, at least I can actually say that I died doing what I loved. Dear rappers, please stop putting sirens in your songs. When I'm driving, it scares the crap out of me.

58 Best & Funny Chat-Up Lines That Actually Work

Never give up on your dreams. If your boyfriend remembers your eye color after the first date, then you probably have small boobs. Do bankruptcy lawyers really expect to be paid? I'm going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding. My wife left me for a Hindu guy. At least he'll treat her better If only God can judge us, then Santa has some explaining to do. Don't be racist, be like Super Mario. He's an Italian plumber, created by Japanese people, who speaks English, and looks like a Mexican. Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years. Today I saw something through a store window that was truly stunning, beautiful and sexy.

I wanted to get it for you, but then I realized it's my own reflection! The floor just Dating capricorn tips me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way. Some people walk into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts. Others walk into our lives and we want to leave footprints on their face! Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. I farted in the Apple store and everyone yelled at me. It's not my fault they don't have Windows! Virginity is like a soap bubble, one prick and it is gone.

I just saw an Apple store get robbed The last Funniest dating one liners I want to do is hurt you You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake an entire relationship! Politicians and diapers have Funniest dating one liners thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. You spend the first 2 years of a child's life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of credit card payments. Women say childbirth is the most painful thing In about 20 years, the hardest thing our kids will have to do is find a username that isn't taken. Boobs are just proof that men can focus on two things at once.

If Apple were to ever make a car Why do medications never have any good side effects? Just once I'd like to read a medicine bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness" Some day when scientists discover the center of the universe, many people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn't them. I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby, as if it might be something else, like a penguin. Shout out to my fingers, I can always count on them. No matter how smart you are you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.

I hate when I'm about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror. Crowded elevators smell different to midgets. Its not the killing part that impresses me If you bring a gun to the pharmacy, you can get drugs without a doctor's prescription. Say "I won a math debate" really fast. Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches. When you can no longer get the straw in the hole, you've had enough. Girls Fall in love with what they hear, and guys fall in love with what they see. That's why girls wear make up and guys lie!

I named my dog "5 miles", so I can tell people I walk 5 miles every day. I don't have a Facebook or Twitter account, so I just go around announcing out loud what I'm doing at random times I've got 3 followers so far, but I think 2 are cops. If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side. I only drink a little, but when I do, I turn into another person Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends' food looked like. I'm naming my TV remote Waldo for obvious reasons. I accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator. I guess I'm taking this shit to a whole new level.

Husbands and boyfriends are the best people to share secrets with… They'll never tell anyone, because they aren't even listening. My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I got 99 problems If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. If someday we all go to prison for downloading music illegally, I hope they split us up by music genres. Plastic surgery is the work-out routine for the rich. Time flies whether or not you're having fun. One was to have perfect memory and the other was to have a huge penis. Because that ass is refreshing. Caution, Dangerous Curves ahead, Yield?

Here are some of the best lines that women can use on men. I have an opening you can fill. Could you give me directions to your apartment? They want to date! Can we arrange for them to meet? Sincere lines work well with sincere girls. This one is sweet. I would love to meet you. Do you have a friend who can introduce me to you? I thought you might like to meet me so I came to introduce myself. Your online dating profile caught my eye. Pick up lines should generally be said in a light tone of voice. Then give her a big smile. And remember— smiles are the best pick up lines ever.

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